The Struggle

It’s been two months since I was officially diagnosed with Depression. I had it for six years… actually I still have it.

I’ve been taking my meds everyday since the doctor gave them to me, at first things were going smoothly. I didn’t get crying spells anymore, I felt more outgoing, and I wasn’t that anxious about stuff. Now it seems like things are going downhill. I’ve been irritable to the extent that I sometimes refuse to talk to people. I don’t want to leave my bed. I don’t want to attend class anymore.  It feels like the big dark cloud is hanging over my head again.

It’s hard not to hide these emotions because of how people would react. Even telling my best friends about my struggle is hard, because even if Depression is common and widely known, people still think that it’s a state of mind. It isn’t a state of mind, if it is then would be easy to get out of the big dark cloud. They’ll always say that “you know just don’t be sad. Be happy.” Depression isn’t all about being sad and it’s okay to feel sad, because Depression makes you numb, makes you feel like you are not living and being sad, feeling sad makes you feel alive. It makes you thankful for the happy moments that happen. Feeling sad makes you not numb and it makes you hopeful that if you feel that sadness… then you can feel happiness.

I guess the thing with Depression is that it won’t go away but you can control it. It’s a chemical thing, I guess if you increase the endorphins in your brain you won’t be stuck in that lifeless feeling. Crying helps release the stress that I’ve been keeping. It helps me empty a bucket full of dirty water.

Sometimes I wish I was like the other people who don’t have Depression. That it’s easy for them to live, but then I remember that life is amazing even if the struggle is there. It makes you thankful for everything you’ve ever felt.

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Author: awkwardfanaa

Loves to get lost in music and books. Always trying to decipher the true meaning of Life. Likes watching movies. Eats tons of sweets but favors chocolate covered macadamia nuts.

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